Hemorrhoids

OK, I titled it correctly and if you don't like or think it's inappropriate, grow up. It's my blog and I can use it in anyway I want and since I've barely seen my husband in the past three weeks, I've chosen to use my alone time to watch movies, write on my blog and reminisce about the things I will miss about living here and the things I'd rather forget.

Which brings us to hemorrhoids. After sending my last post out into the blogosphere I remembered that I had always wanted to write more about my German birth experience. Following each of the boys' births Kenny writes a birth story to help us remember what that day was like. Luc and Jack's stories were sweet, funny and pretty normal (by U.S. Rockin' A. standards). Dominic's was sweet, funny and foreign. After Kenny wrote Dominic's story I added an addendum at the bottom listing all the differences and things that struck me as funny, strange or infuriating. The one that sticks out most (no pun intended) to me pertained to hemorrhoids.

After giving birth, a woman may or may not (not saying I did, not saying I didn't) have pushing hemorrhoids. The morning after Dominic was born the nurse came in to run through all the normal things like blood pressure, dispensing my meds (nothing more than homeopathic BS, mind you. I had to bring my own Tylenol), etc. etc. Then at the end she asked me if I had hemorrhoids, and she spoke perfect English so I know nothing was lost in translation in the question. Already leery of most things being offered to me at a hospital where you also bring your own soap and towels (God, I could write a whole other post on that), I said, "Maaabbbeee, what could you give me if I did?" OK, here we go again....wait for it....wait for it...."Honey." Come again...."Honey." OK, one more time....."Honey, Honig." That second word I knew as German for honey because I shop for it in a GROCERY STORE to put on my BISCUITS, not my arse. I would rather remain standing until my boys are weaned at a one year than put honey where I normally sit. Of course, I Googled it and did find people discussing honey for hemorrhoids, but no one seems to agree on whether you swallow it or smear it. Needless to say, my biscuits remained plain.

And for any of you men out there feeling smug about not having to endure the humiliations of childbirth, I know there are plenty of you with this ailment and it isn't due to pushing out a beautiful new human life. This remedy would give you a legit reason for all your male crotch grabbing a la MJ (grumble, grumble) due to what Jack calls, "things getting all jumbled up."

Wow, this is reminding me of all kinds of things. Have I told you the story of how I was sent home with 4-day-old Dominic and his vitamin prescription - in PILL form?